Where did this fear come from? Remember being a kid and dreaming that you could be anything in the world? What was the first thing you wanted to be as a kid? Firefighter? Superman? A Cop? Or maybe your favorite teacher? What happened to those dreams?
I’m starting to dream again. Every time I go to Maine for camp in the summer, I feel like my life resets. It’s a crazy summer full of kids running around and screaming with laughter, exploring their interests; they get to be themselves. Makes me want to be myself. Last summer I got to explore my interests of nature. Running and biking was like yoga for my mind. I found that I enjoyed the time I got to spend by myself more than I normally did. I have always wanted to constantly be surrounded by people but this summer I took multiple trips by myself to the coast to just sit and watch the ocean.
When I was about five years old, my grandfather passed away. He was the first person that I had known in my life that was taken from me. I don’t remember ever crying. I was only five years old but he lived with my family for about a year. My family was building a house with a room just for grandpa. We still, to this day, call it Grandpa’s Room. After he passed, I had anxiety every time my mother went out of my sight. She left the house to go to the garden or get the mail, I would cry until I saw her again. I remember going to my friends’ house for a sleep over, a block away. I made it until after dinner without missing my mother; it was raining. I cried and made my mother come get me. I never thought I would have made it three months without my family..
I have always had this want to explore. I went on multiple vacations with friends. I have flown by myself. I deeply wanted to be independent. When I got hired in Maine in 2014, it sounded like such a great idea. The thought of driving cross-country by myself sounded peaceful. The thought of hanging out in the woods for 2 months sounded like a great idea. I drove by myself to Nashville, TN and about six hours in to the drive, I couldn’t control my stomach. I really felt alone for the first time ever. I was the furthest away from everyone I knew than I had ever been, my entire life. The whole trip out to Maine was full of ups and downs. I could barely keep food or liquid in me. By the time I got to New York, I wasn’t even hungry. The first couple days in Maine, I would call my mom almost in tears, my heart racing, short of breath. After two months, I felt at home and couldn’t imagine leaving. Maine resets my life. I always feel like I see things more clearly by the end of the summer. I feel like I handle stress better and am able to calm myself down easier so I don’t have panic attacks. It was just the same this summer.
While at camp I accepted an unpaid internship in Delaware for a jeweler/gallery owner. It felt like a dream come true. Upon coming home I ran into financial problems. I have realized that I left no money for my apartment that I am renting in Delaware. It’s a hard thing for a 27 year old girl to do when she has to call her parents for money. I felt terrible. Both my parents are retired and I was calling them to ask for money to go do something that I never asked them if I could do. I never asked them once before buying a brand new car and traveling out to Maine. At 27 years old, I didn’t think I had to. But when my life interfered with theirs in a negative way, I couldn’t help but feel as though maybe this isn’t the right thing to do.
Just before leaving camp, I read a quote, yes on Facebook. The qoute read, “A ship is safe in it’s harbor, but that’s not what it was built for”. I’m lucky to have support of my parents. It has allowed me to live in Delaware and take some time to settle in before returning to the crazy life I set up for myself. I would like to just thank my parents to the moon and back for allowing me to explore the opportunities I have and never doubting me and my crazy ideas. Oh and for taking care of my cats…
I am exploring and finding my passion in life. Until now, I have been finding all the things that I know that I DON’T want to do for the rest of my life. I have had the idea of managing my own Jared's Repair Shop within my grasp. I have had the amazing opportunity to work for Diamond Nexus, one of the best companies I've ever worked for. I would never take any of those experiences back. I had fun working there but it didn't feel right. I belonged somewhere else. I’ve met some great friends and some amazingly talented people along the way. However, tt’s safe to say that I feel like I’m in the right place now. I am exactly where I am supposed to be at 27 years old. I don't know where I will head to next exactly. There is dreaming of graduate school and becoming a teacher. But for now I think I will stay in Delaware until the middle of May and explore my options on the east coast!
I can’t wait to see where this leads me to.